Thursday, February 4, 2016

No Longer Controlled By You

I read an article recently (go here), and it was a story about a young lady, only a few years younger than myself, who wrote an open letter to her verbally and mentally abusive ex-boyfriend. Any type of abuse is horrible, and no one should have to endure that in a relationship that's supposed to be loving, a relationship that's supposed to have mutual respect for both individuals in said relationship. This brave soul, who's also super adorable, has inspired me to write an open letter of my own. In past blog posts I've said that I'm no longer in a relationship, but now I'm ready to say why.

You never treated your mother very nicely, at all, and whenever you got into arguments with her I'd always feel uncomfortable and tried to go into another room to avoid hearing all the f-bombs you said to her.

You got so angry at me for not having enough money to pay for movie tickets and food that you punched your steering wheel repeatedly. This was our first date.

You were never really concerned whenever I had a panic attack and all you told me was to 'get it together' or something like that.

You would always complain to me that I never cleaned the apartment enough, so I always made it a point to tell you what I had cleaned that day when you got off work.

You didn't seem that worried when I had to go to the ER and when I got back to the apartment after being released, you asked one question and then continued playing your computer games.

You got annoyed with me when I asked you if you had watched porn even though you were in a relationship with me. So I never brought it up again.

You told me to my face multiple times that I was lazy and that I was a sheep instead of a shepherd.

You always got physically and scarily angry for the stupidest things. Losing a game on your kindle and you throw it on the floor. Dropping a plate full of eggs and you head butt the wall.

You would never let me sing in the car, or anywhere, so I just stayed quiet most of the time.

You always laughed when your pet duck bit me and left bruises or made me bleed.

You were a large part of why one of my treasured family vacations was such a wreck, and I was the other large part.

When I was home with my parents during a small weekend during the summer, my mom made me laugh really hard and I told her "Wow, I haven't laughed this much in a long time". And then I realized that you were the cause of my lack of laughter.

When I finally came to my senses and realized that you were a toxic thing that I needed to get out of my life, I asked my parents for help. We drove to your apartment and packed up everything I owned and I left you a break-up letter.

You called me a coward. But I felt empowered by my choices.

Without you I had a wonderful summer. I signed a lease for my own apartment. I had a great family vacation. I got a tattoo. I got highlights. I got my permit. I got my first car.

Without you I felt less stressful and I slept really good. I wasn't surrounded by a really smelly apartment. I did more photography. I had my birthday with people who actually cared.

Without you I felt more confident.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Breaking Up

When relationships come to an end, the emotions can be wildly swinging. So I turned my feelings into a poem. All events portrayed were/are true.

A Heart Breaks
July 29th, 2015
Age: 19

A heart breaks when the magic words are said less and less,
and your thoughts become a jumbled mess;
when you feel lonely and separated in the same room,
and the dark thoughts start to loom.

A heart breaks when you have thoughts of him cheating,
the moment is ever so fleeting;
you wonder if what he tells you is still true,
and your love for him can still feel shiny and new.

A heart breaks when you have to ask for a kiss,
when the way he acts is no longer in bliss;
you feel like you’re losing control,
and marrying him is no longer a goal.

A heart breaks when you realize it’s time to go,
and your heart’s light is just a dim glow;
when being with him weighs you down,
and your face is always in a frown.

A heart breaks when he doesn’t try and win you back,
and your fa├žade starts to crumble and crack;
you hate to leave but it’s the best thing to do,
and you’ll learn from all that you went through.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Always Keep Fighting

Dear Jared Padalecki,

For my readers. 
One of the many shirts you can purchase. 
Find more information at his official 
Facebook account: Click Me!
Before I dive into personal stuff, I must say that I'm a huge fan of Supernatural. In the beginning my episodes were completely out of order; the first one I ever saw was Ghostfacers a few years after it first aired. It wasn't until Kevin Tran came along that I tried to watch more consecutively, but life got in the way, and I didn't see those episodes until the next season came out. And then I met Netflix. I got all caught up and anxiously waited for new Winchester adventures.

For as many episodes that I have seen, I have a feeling that are a few seasons that I have not seen. And as much as I love Supernatural, and the way that you and Jensen portray Sam and Dean, this is not why I'm writing to you, on my blog of all places.

I'm writing you to say thank you for creating the Always Keep Fighting campaign. I've been through some things in my life and I always look forward to the words of courage that you write, or things that are motivational.

What I've been through can't compare to others, but in their own way, they're just as horrible.

When I was in fifth grade (2005-2006), I went to a restaurant with my parents and while I was there I had a panic attack. I wasn't fazed by it because I'd had them before. Or so I thought. It's highly possible that this was my first one. But this one even escalated quickly.

Because my panic attack was related to food, they kept happening, and soon I was having one giant attack that never seemed to go away. I didn't want to eat anything and I hid it from my friends; they just wouldn't have got it. The whole ordeal eventually stopped, but not before it went on for several months. I never kept track of anything, but I assume that I had lost weight, all because of the fear I had of what would happen to me if I ate food. More on that subject here.

I've had very little attacks since then, which I'm grateful for, but if one ever happens, I know what to do and I don't freak out as much. I still hate them, but I can handle them better.

By the time I got to middle school, I realized that everyone's emotions and energy that was around and floating in the air got pulled into me and I'd end up feeling weak, exhausted, and sick. Which resulted in me not wanting to eat lunch for that day.

That happened only a few times, and again in high school, but what made it worse was that a friend of mine asked if I was anorexic. At first I was angry. And then I wanted to cry. For one human being to say something like that to another human being is inexcusable. Hearing that comment made me upset but I didn't turn myself into what others said about me.

Other people probably aren't so lucky.

Which is nothing against them at all. The world is filled with people that say cruel things to others, and that is not how life should be lived.

I hope that by sharing my battles, as you've done with yours, I can let people know that it's okay to have struggled, as long as you always keep fighting.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

How to Become a Time Lord's Companion

I started this in April of 2014 for my Creative Writing class at my school but I lost track of time and didn't finish it until just today actually. Enjoy!

Live in the United Kingdom. Go through your day working a boring job in a life that isn't very exciting. Meet an interesting man.

You learn that he's an alien with two hearts, flies around in a police box spaceship called a TARDIS, and is very lonely. You marvel at how the TARDIS is bigger on the inside. His name is the Doctor. He's a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey; the last of his kind. And he owns a sonic screwdriver.

You start to fancy him. An infatuation really. Go with him in his TARDIS and fly around for a bit. Go see different planets and weird looking people. Land on the moon and see a Judoon platoon.

Did the Doctor mention that he can travel in all of time and space? Did he mention that you can’t cross your own timeline, you can’t interfere with the past, and that he couldn’t meet any of his former selves? It’s happened before and it will happen again, whether he says it can’t or not.

He calls you his companion and it makes you smile. You think that your life has finally gotten exciting. It most certainly has. But you almost die. First with the Daleks. Then with the Cybermen. Then with the Weeping Angels. The list goes on. Because you're with the Doctor, your life is in constant danger because of all his enemies.

You do a lot of running from anything and everything. Especially if you hear four knocks that are unrecognizable. You realize he can get very angry at the Universe sometimes and that some people would call him dangerous. But you don't care.


He once became your imaginary friend and you’ve fixed his bow-tie. In all your travels with the Doctor, you never once felt threatened by him. You’ve nearly died numerous times. But you wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Living with Lactose Intolerance

Forgive me for writing another food related post, but they just keep a coming! This one is about me discovering that I was lactose intolerant.

Growing up I had a friend who was lactose intolerant and she would always complain about not being able to drink regular milk and so on. I was never worried about that because it wasn't a transferred disease or anything like that. I couldn't catch it. But I never knew a person could grow into it, until it happened to me. I had been drinking milk everyday at high school like a good girl but towards the end of sophomore year I noticed that I would get stomach aches after drinking milk or eating pizza. And it would stay constant because I drank milk at home as well. This went on for a few weeks and I didn't really think anything of it.

Then came the ice cream from McDonald's; the devil ice cream! My parents and I stopped by one on the way home from somewhere and I got a sundae to go. We got home and started eating our desserts. After the first few spoonfuls of mine I started to feel a horrible pain inside my stomach. I thought for sure my intestines were eating each other! The pain was so bad that I couldn't even finish my snack and I thought that I'd be done for.

When the pain finally stopped I was overjoyed! But my parents told me that they had given me an informal diagnosis of being lactose intolerant. What? No. I couldn't have that. It was impossible. So we decided to do a test. I wasn't allowed to drink milk, anywhere, for a whole week. I went through the experiment and my constant stomach ache went away.

So now that I've had this for a few years I've learned some things. I have to take pills with foods that are milk rich. So like actual milk, ice cream, and pizza. But normally I drink lactose free milk. Other cheeses are okay. If I eat some lactose laden food and I don't take a pill my stomach gets all rumbly. And every once in awhile I test myself by eating ice cream without a pill. Each result is the same, a rumbly stomach and a bit of pain. I also discovered that if I eat cheesecake without a pill I will regret it later. I don't know how long this will last because it's possible to grow back out of it too. So now I'm just taking my pills and hoping for a day when I don't have to take them anymore!

Also, these pills are my best friend. Always in my purse when I need them!

Friday, April 25, 2014

Memories of Childhood

My creative writing class has turned on the switch that made my creative juices flow again, a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. Now that my first year of college is almost over, I've been thinking of some childhood memories and how I wish I could go back to those simpler times. So here are a few things that readers might find entertaining. But be warned, the order in which I write these events does not guarantee that it actually happened in that order.

One: I had a pretty vivid dream once. I still remember it to this very day. Now that I think about it, it should make me laugh but in all honesty, it freaks me out now just as it did back then. I was asleep in my own bed (where else would I be?) and instead of having a dream that occurred in some obscure land that only a sleeping brain can create, it happened in my very bedroom. In the dream I had rolled over and noticed a freaky looking fish swimming through my bookcase. I vaguely remember what happened after I was woken up by my mom but she told me that I was crying in my sleep and that she found me soaked with sweat. And I mean soaked. My pj's were disgustingly wet and so were the sheets. I suppose I went back to sleep but I can't remember. If I ever see that fish again it'll be too soon.

Two: I knocked myself unconscious in first or second grade. Me and my friend were on the playground at school one day and I wanted to see if I could jump to the first ring from the wooden platform that we were standing on. The rings that we had on the playground were sort of like the monkey bars but they could move. My friend could jump and I wanted to as well. So I did. And my god it was one of the worst mistakes I could've ever made! I missed the ring completely and I hit my low back on the platform that I was just standing on! I became hunched over and the distance between my face and the bark was growing both closer and blacker. I fainted. If some random kid hadn't of shaken my shoulder, I don't know how long I would've been laying there. And now because of my stupid mistake, it hurts every time I bend over to pick something up.

Three: I had the shingles. It's a relative of chicken pox. I had already gotten CP earlier and so I thought that getting its relative would've been a similar experience. I was dead wrong. It was itchy beyond anything that I've ever felt before. When I tried to sleep at night I couldn't because I didn't want any thing touching my bare skin. No sheets or covers or any other part of my body. I went to school anyway, although I probably wasn't supposed to, and I was exempt from recess the entire time. Having shingles as a second grader in grade school was such a horrible experience. Now doctors are saying that the elderly are at risk for getting shingles, and should get the vaccine. And every time I see those commercials I think try being seven!

Four: I split my lip. I was in swim lessons when it happened. You know how there are the things called 'bobs', where you grip the side of the pool and dunk your head in the water multiple times? Well on my way down I hung my head too far over the edge I was gripping and smack! My lower lip hit the edge and split wide open. All I could do was cry and my instructor lady got impatient and told me to "keep bobbing!" Jeez. My mom ran over and helped me to the lifeguards office. He was nervous as much as I was scared. I don't think he'd seen that before, because all throughout the info gathering he kept calling me "buddy". I went to school the next day with a new fashion trend I'm sure. I even have a scar.

There are many more memories for sure, but these four are the ones that stick out the most in my mind. And I also thought I'd post some photos. The first one is me when I was 3, the second when I turned 5, the third is my senior photo I put in the yearbook, and the fourth is of my high school graduation.



Monday, April 21, 2014

The Hunger Games: Not the Story that You Think

Remember how I said that I was going to write more food pieces because of my creative writing class? Well here's another one:

This is not the type of game where the government forced me to battle other kids to the death, as depicted in the books and their movie counterparts. No, it was a battle between my stomach and brain. A battle of "mind over matter".

It was in elementary school when it happened. My family and I had been eating a delicious dinner at The Ol' Spagetti Factory in the city where we live. In the restaurant they had an old train car fitted to have booths for diners. My parents and I were in that old train car eating dinner when it started to get really stuffy and hot. I ate too much food and combining a full stomach with an old stuffy train car did not have a good outcome.

I felt a twinge coming up my throat, my heart started beating wildly as if I'd just finished a marathon, and I ran to the bathroom thinking I'd be sick. As it turned out, that little episode was a panic attack. I'd had them before but I never knew what they were actually called. A week or so passed and nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Then I had another panic attack. I don't remember what caused it, but it was probably food related. After that second occurrence, I found that I couldn't eat anything for fear of another one. This went on for months on end; nearly lasted the whole school year. It got so bad that my mom had to buy me those Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks because I wouldn't eat a single thing.

My stomach was calling for food believe me, but I was too scared to oblige. I couldn't even eat the food at school and that prompted a concerned friends mom to call the school, who informed my mom my lack of eating.

I knew I should've tried, if not for me, then at least for my friend. But I couldn't. Then one day my mom told me it had gone on for long enough. She put a plate in front of me that contained a single buttered waffle and a small bowl of applesauce. And I ate it. Slowly but surely I ate it. After that moment I started eating again.

That span of time will forever be engrained in my mind. As much as I hate it, it's a part of me. So now whenever I don't feel good and don't eat lunch some day, people ask me if I'm anorexic. Really? You see not eat lunch for one day and you say I'm anorexic?

It doesn't matter. I'm my own person. Now that I'm older I think about that moment every once in awhile. And it caused me to have an aha! moment, an epiphany: I was afraid of the fear, not the food.

So that was my Hunger Games. And wow. I've only told a few people over the years and now here I am telling a secret to the world. It was one of the darkest parts of my life but now I can use it as a bright light for my future. And honestly, I'm glad to have gotten this story out there.